Housekeeper or keeping house?

I remember a conversation that I had with my mom when I was maybe 13-years old.  I was complaining because I did not want to do the dishes.  She said that I needed to help out and learn how to do dishes.  I told her that I did not need to learn because one day I would have a maid.  She asked me how I would afford a maid.  I told her that I would be a professional basketball player!  I was 5'3" at that age and I have not grown any taller since, so that career did not pan out.  That, and the fact that I wasn't as good at basketball as I thought I was.

Not long ago, there was a time when I had 3 children under the age of 2 and I felt like I needed help with housework and cooking because all my time went to caring for my babies.  Oh how I wished I had someone to help me (besides my husband, of course!).  Once my husband earned a new position in Cairo with his employer, we learned that it was not uncommon for Americans (embassy staff, expats, etc.) to have some sort of domestic help because it was so affordable.  The men who held the position my husband now has had used the same full-time Egyptian housekeeper for the past 8 years.  We expressed an interest in retaining her services during our tour.  I wondered if full-time would be too much for me (about 6 hrs/day, 5 days/week), but I knew that she wanted full-time work and I thought I would enjoy it.  I have often wished throughout my life that I might have a maid!  And when I got to Egypt, my “dream” came true.   

Our housekeeper was much more than a maid.  In addition to cleaning the house, she did laundry, ironed, cooked, babysat, ran errands, and was able to use her Arabic to help us with any interaction with locals that came up.  I surely enjoyed not having to clean or cook or run errands, but on the other hand, I missed those things.  As a stay-at-home-mom, that is what I am used to doing.  I take care of my home and family.  I felt so out of sorts and kind of lazy.  Also, I worried about my kids getting lazy.  I asked our housekeeper not to pick up my children’s toys because I wanted to make sure that my girls understood the importance of responsibility and contributing to the order of our home.  The other day I asked my daughter B to pick up her toys so our housekeeper could vacuum her room.  My daughter's response was, "Oh, [the housekeeper] can do it!"  I knew we needed a change.  But our housekeeper was more than just someone that cleaned.  I was grateful to have someone here that spoke the language and knew the culture to help me navigate in this new world.  She would organize workers coming to our apartment for repairs and watch them as they worked.  She knew all the places that we order from and how to order groceries, dry cleaning pick up, etc.  I do not even know who our dry cleaner is or how to contact them. 

I love having everything so clean all the time, but having someone in my home all the time comes with a lack of privacy.  Also, it was tough if her cleaning didn't meet my expectations.  For example, it was hard for me to keep telling her that the dishes she washed were not always all that clean.  I would have to check them and often rewash them which was frustrating.  I didn’t enjoy having to correct her or tell her when she failed to meet my expectations.  Her constant presence in my home also made me feel uncomfortable mothering my daughters.  My girls felt it, too.  For example, I am not a good singer but in the past we would sing together (my girls do not yet know that I can't carry a tune).  The other day one of my daughters mentioned that we never sing anymore.  I think I stopped because I was embarrassed to be singing in front of a near stranger.  My daughter was right, so we started singing some songs (with the door to the family room closed) and during a song my housekeeper knocked on the door to ask me a question.  Our singing stopped.  Our housekeeper gave us our space but I always knew that our space could be invaded at any time.  I never felt comfortable if I had wanted to make it a pajama day.  And it was always uncomfortable having her clean while I was home. 

I decided that I wanted her to go to part-time.  Not only did I want some more of my privacy back, but I felt like she did not have enough to do to make her work here full-time.  My housekeeper was not happy with me wanting to cut back her days; it amounted to a pay cut.  She has a strong personality (and so do I), so we sometimes clashed.  I felt like she was argumentative.  When I told her that I didn't like arguing with her, she would argue with me about not arguing...ugh!  I started to feel even more uncomfortable in my own home.  Sometimes I wonder if our communication breakdown had to do with the fact that English was not her first language and our cultures are so different.  When I perceived her as being rude or talking down to me, maybe that was not her intention because maybe she did not have any other words to use.  Then again, 93% of communication is nonverbal, so I don't know.  I do know that we hired her to help me, but instead, she was stressing me out. 

She never told me about whether or not she would be willing to transition to part time.  When I brought the subject up again, it turned into more of an argument.  So two days ago I told her that having her at all in our home was not going to work.  By arguing with me and creating an uncomfortable environment, I felt like we had passed a point of no return.  It was a TOUGH conversation.  Because she insisted on being paid at the beginning of the month (which I found odd because I have never had a job where I was paid first), I wanted her to finish off the month.  Per the agreement my husband and I made, I planned to give her half a month's salary on her last day as a sort of severance.  But before I could even explain my intention, she basically quit.  She told me that if I didn't want her to work here, then she would not come back the next day.  That was fine with me; I was DONE.  I felt bad.  I still feel badly about it.  She had been counting on us and depending on the income.  I have never fired anyone before and it did not feel good.  But I had to do what was best for my family.  As crazy as it sounds, I am happy to not only have my privacy back but also my responsibilities.  Maybe I will feel differently when I have this spacious apartment to tackle by myself.  Maybe in a couple of weeks I will look for someone that can come once a week to clean.  And iron clothes; I hate ironing so much!  As an aside, one time when I got the ironing board out and had it standing up against the wall, my twins were trying to figure out what it was.  One twin (A) told her sister (B) that it was "Mom's skate board."

I hope I don't sound ungrateful.  I guess it comes down to the fact that I do not mind cleaning my own home and some things I really enjoy doing.  I had a hard time with her doing our laundry (after a lot of trial and error I think she was finally doing a good job and not ruining our clothes).  I did enjoy her cooking.  I will miss her Chicken Milano and a melt-in-your-mouth flank steak and mushrooms over noodles dinner.  It was great to have her cook AND clean up the kitchen.  I enjoy cooking and baking but not cleaning up the mess.  I loved having someone to watch my girls who I could trust so I could do an errand or go on a date with my husband.  But I can honestly say that since moving to Cairo last month, yesterday was the first day that I have felt comfortable in my own home.  As strange as it may sound I could not get used to having a full time housekeeper.   Little did I know way back when I was a teenage, aspiring professional basketball player that I would someday have a maid (in Egypt), but I would not want one.  Life is full of surprises!